


Let's Take a Drive

by saucyminx



Series: The House Rules [5]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-02
Updated: 2011-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:47:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 19,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A novel length story of a struggling country singer and the young man who tries to change his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  


Chad was _too_ quiet when they woke up, but Christian was, at least, glad the man awoke looking a little less drained. Christian let him be, only urging him into the shower so they could get going. While Chad showered, Christian packed up some things and loaded the truck. They didn’t need much, just themselves and a few good CDs.

He called his friend and made sure that it was alright to spend a few days at the cabin, and then made some coffee. By the time Chad emerged from the shower, rosy-cheeked and more alert-looking, Christian had a mug ready for the man and smiled warmly at him. “Better?”

“Mostly,” Chad murmured and reached out for the mug, slowly dropping onto the nearest chair and sipping from the coffee. Part of him had thought he dreamed the day before so he’d been a little thrown to actually wake up in Christian’s arms and maybe he was still trying to process that. “Your friend okay with us using the cabin?” he asked quietly as he pulled out his phone, frowning at the missed text messages.

“Yup. We gonna stop by and get some clothes for you?” Christian couldn’t help smiling and tried to hide it behind his hand as he scratched at his stubble.

“Yeah, you can just follow me over, we’ll leave my car in the lot. How many days we going?” Chad asked without looking up, scanning through nearly a dozen texts from Jared. The last one was, _oh fuck Chad, you stayed the night over there didn’t you?_ , and Chad couldn’t help flinching. Didn’t feel like such a bad idea really, Jared just didn’t get it.

“A few days, long as it takes,” Christian said firmly. Shrugging, he glanced down at Chad’s phone then back up at his face. “Something wrong?” Chad wore too much worry on his face; it was etched there and Christian didn’t like it.

“As long as it takes to what?” Chad looked up after he’d sent Jared a quick, _we’re going away for a few days, I’ll explain later._ When Christian just eyed his phone again Chad sighed and scrubbed a hand up through his wet hair. “Just Jared - he was worried when I didn’t text him yesterday.”

“You been spendin’ a lot of time with him?” Christian stepped over Chad’s legs and sank down on the couch beside him. “That didn’t sound how I meant it.” Christian grimaced slightly and reached out to rub his fingers over Chad’s wrist.

“It sounded like you were jealous.” Chad looked up at Christian and smirked slightly, glancing down at his phone when it chimed again. He snorted as he read. _you what?!?!?_ Apparently, Jared wasn’t so on board with the idea. He responded with: _gotta sort things out. gonna swing by and get some clothes then we’re off to the beach_. Looking back up at Christian his smile softened. “Are you?”

“Jealous?” Christian looked down at the phone and resisted the urge to knock it out of Chad’s hand. He thought about lying, about how he would have reacted even a few days ago and then his expression softened. “Yeah, I’m jealous.”

Chad’s head tilted to the side and he stared at Christian until his phone beeped again. _R U serious? Chad. Is that wise?_ Chad snorted and shook his head again, writing back a quick: _my life Jay. Back off._ When he looked back up there was something caught between sadness and dark jealousy in Christian’s eyes and Chad sucked in a slow breath. “Jared’s with someone else. He won’t ever have feelings for me like that.”

“And if he did?” Christian’s fingers slipped all the way over Chad’s wrist and tightened. “What would you do then?” Yeah, he wanted to know. It might be stupid to even ask - maybe it was because he knew that Jared was the first. Christian knew first hand that the first was special. “Would you want to go back to him?”

Once more Chad stared at Christian, trying to determine what Christian was really worried about. Did he really consider Jared a threat? Leaning forward, Chad kissed Christian, dragging his lips in a slow part against Christian’s and threaded his fingers back through the man’s hair. It was one of those kisses that was slow and deep, sending little sparks through Chad’s entire body as his tongue gently ran along the bow of the man’s lip. He poured everything he felt into that one kiss, hoping Christian would understand what he couldn’t say.

When Chad finally pulled back a little, Christian kept his eyes closed, a lazy smile on his lips. "Okay, good answer," he said softly. Licking his lips, he sat back a little and dragged his thumb along his bottom lip. He loved the _taste_ of Chad; he's missed it.

Chad laughed softly and let his hand curve along Christian’s neck, dragging slowly down his chest. His heart skipped a beat and he stared at the slight bruise on the man’s collarbone that he’d left the day before. “I wouldn’t,” he said quietly a few moments later. Looking up, Chad met Christian’s eyes and he swallowed thickly. “If Jared came back, if he suddenly said he was actually in love with me, I wouldn’t go back to him.”

Christian's smile wavered slightly and he covered Chad's hand with his own. He wanted to ask if it was because of him, because of the way Chad had said he felt before. But he wouldn't. Wetting his lips, he blew out a breath and looked around. "Well, should we get goin'?"

“Right.” Chad nodded, sighing as he stood. Maybe he should listen to Jared and not do this. It felt like it was going to be a long couple of days. “What should I carry out to the truck? Or you want me to just go and get my stuff together and you can come once you’ve loaded things?”

“I’ll follow you, don’t want you changin’ your mind.” Christian slapped a hand on his thigh and pushed up off the couch. “I’m all loaded and ready, let’s go.” Holding out his hand, he waited till Chad took it and hauled him up.

“If I changed my mind do you really think I’d just go speeding out? Where would I go?” Chad laughed weakly and shook his head, letting Christian lead him to the door and dropped his hand as they stepped out into the hall and the man locked the door. “Not gonna bring your guitar? I know you can’t play but just, I mean, it’s weird seeing you not with it, I guess. You miss it?” Chad clamped his mouth shut, rolling his eyes at himself as he pushed his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose.

Christian looked down for a few moments. “Not as much as I missed you,” he said as he headed down the hall.

Chad watched Christian go, blinking a few times before hurrying after him. It was pretty nice to feel the butterfly stomach flip that Christian used to give to him all the time before everything happened. Just outside the building he caught Christian’s hand and held it all the way to their vehicles.

“Christian!” Jared called through the window, rapping his knuckles on the glass.

Jumping slightly, Christian looked up. Chad had only been gone five or ten minutes and...this was Jared, _not_ Chad. After staring blankly for a few moments, Christian swept his hair back off his face and rolled down his window. “Uh, Jared. Chad’s inside getting his stuff-”

“Yeah I know. I’m not here to see Chad.” Jared looked over at the apartment building before looking at Christian. “Look, I... I’m not sure if Chad told you how things worked out after you and him, when it got bad and stuff, I just... I’ve been spending a lot of time with him this week and he’s just, not okay. And I know it’s not my place but I want to make sure you’re going to do right by him.”

Christian’s eyebrows lifted and he leaned his elbow on the window. He cleared his throat and looked out the front window, staring up the street. “Listen, I know I did wrong. I fucked up, Jared.” Turning back to face the man he looked up at him. “I’m tryin’a make this right.” He left off the part where he pointed out to Jared that it wasn’t really his business anymore if Chad was okay.

“I’m sure you are. I know he wants to be with you. I know he loves you. I’ve just never seen him like this.” Jared waved toward the apartment building before sighing and shrugging. “I’m sure it’s not my place, but I still care for the guy, you know.”

Sighing, Christian relaxed a little. “I thought maybe if I took him away, maybe we could just talk and get back to before I fucked things up.” Dropping his gaze, he rubbed at his stubble; admitting something like that to Jared felt like crap. “I know this is my fault. I … I wanna make it right. Don’t know what else to say to you.”

“Well, that works for me.” Jared shrugged again and stepped back. “Would say I’d kick your ass if you hurt him again but I’ve got a feeling you’d kick your own ass well enough.” Jared laughed softly and looked back over at the apartment building, pursing his lips when Chad suddenly appeared with a duffel bag. Looking back at Christian, he dropped his voice and spoke quickly. “Don’t let him talk himself out of it or something, okay? His feelings, or whatever. I’m afraid that’s leftover crap from what I did to him.”

Nodding slowly, Christian stared in amazement at Jared as he turned to greet Chad. Blinking a few times, he laughed softly and looked down at the steering wheel. His life had been nothing, if not interesting since he met Chad.

“What are you doing here?” Chad frowned, looking over at Christian, and then back at Jared.

“Just came to say goodbye.” Jared grinned and stepped forward, tugging Chad into a hug before he had a choice in the matter. “Don’t be stupid,” he muttered into Chad’s hair.

Chad didn’t hug Jared back, instead staying still and tense until the man let go. He looked up at Jared with a confused frown as the man stepped back. “Uh, okay.”

“Have fun!” Jared called and ruffled Chad hair before patting the side of the truck and turning to head across the lot.

Still frowning, Chad slowly headed around to the passenger side. He tossed his bag in back before sliding onto the seat, looking over at Christian. “What was that all about?”

“He threatened to beat me up.” Christian grinned across the cab at Chad and held out his arm. “You used to sit over here.” Even a little bewildered, Chad was gorgeous.

“He didn’t really, right?” Chad asked just to be sure, though he thought Jared wouldn’t be that stupid. After another pause he slowly slid across the seat, wondering how long it would take to get used to the little things again.

“Would Jared really threaten to beat me up?” Christian chuckled softly as he pulled away from the curb. “He’s just worried ‘bout you. So am I. Guess you got a lot of people who care about ya.” His arm settled over Chad’s shoulders and he shook him slightly. “Relax, I’m not gonna bite.”

Chad sank against Christian and, after a minute, rested his hand on the man’s thigh. “Jared doesn’t really care about me. He feels guilty, so he sticks around, until he does enough to not feel guilty about that night when everything happened.” Chad laid his head on Christian’s shoulder, reaching up to tug off his glasses after a moment.

"That's not true," Christian said quickly. "He cares about you. Said so. I believe him." Christian headed out onto the highway and steered with his knee for a few moments while he rolled his window up a little. He squeezed Chad's shoulder and leaned his head against the other man's for a few moments.

“You wanna know what happened? The night we broke up?” Chad didn’t like to think of himself as bitter but he could feel it worming deep in his chest now. And to think he had been sure he was _over_ all of that.

“Yeah, ya feel like tellin’ me?” Christian gripped the steering wheel a little tighter. He knew something bad had happened; it wasn’t just the way Chad had spoken about it - but the look on Jared’s face when he brought it up.

Chad laughed weakly and shook his head. “It’s ironic, really. We’d been together for a while, I thought things were going really well. And I feel for him of course, because he’s sweet and funny and cute. Guess I used to think he was the kind of guy I’d end up with. But I was wrong. Anyway. That night, he came over, and I was going to tell him just how strongly I felt. So I made dinner; it was quiet but I thought it was just comfortable silence. Then I just went off on this whole speech, about how special he was and how he’d changed my life. I ended it all with the big, I love you.”

Pursing his lips at the tightening in his chest, Chad curled his fingers over Christian’s thigh, watching them slowly move. “It was quiet for a while after. I started to get that sick feeling. Then he told me he’d met someone else and that he was pretty sure this other guy - Jensen - was the guy he’d been waiting for his entire life. So yeah, that’s the ironic thing I guess. You know, the ‘I love you’ thing.”

The dull ache was back in Christian's chest and he unconsciously pulled Chad a little closer. He licked his lips and chewed on his lips for a few moments while he searched for the right words. "Ironic. And very different."

Chad forced his head to dip down in a nod. “Just, you know. It kind of fucks with your self esteem when you’ve said _I love you_ a total of two times to people and both had shit outcomes.” Chad sighed and pulled back a little to look up at Christian. “I’m not saying this stuff to make you feel guilty. I’m not trying to play a game or something. I just- you had said you wanted to know what I was thinking and feeling.”

Christian tried to keep his concern from showing on his face. "I know. I mean - I didn't _know_ that's what happened. You want to know the truth about that afternoon?"

“Maybe,” Chad whispered, almost scared to know the truth. But it would probably be better, so he forced himself to nod. “Okay, yes.”

“It’s never gone so well for me, either. Well, telling people, I mean. I only told one person that I loved them. Just takes one rejection to hurt - I know it.” Christian squeezed Chad’s shoulder as tight as he could with the cast on. “When you said it, I just felt like it was gonna all go south - and I think I’m good at _making_ that happen. The bad stuff, the shit that people say and think about ya? That’s the easy stuff to believe. You just seemed so untouched by all that - happy, you know? I figured - lovin’ me, it would just drag you down.” He shrugged and sighed. “And I panicked. I didn’t know what to do - I didn’t have an answer.”

Chad nodded, his fingers rubbing softly over Christian’s thigh. “What happened before? When you told someone?” It was easier to ask about that than try and figure out what to say in response to Christian’s explanation. Though he did want to know if it meant that Christian would react that way if Chad said it again.

Christian's lips puffed out as he blew out a long, slow breath. "I can't ... talk about that right now. Later? Ask me again?" His heart started to thud a little faster even thinking about it. "Guess I'm not as strong as you, huh?"

“I’m not strong.” Chad shook his head, tilting up to press the softest of kisses to Christian’s jaw. “Just thought it’d be different. My lesson has been learned, though.” Chad dropped back to rest on Christian’s shoulder. “The thing you can talk about, your past thing, was it with a girl or a guy?”

Christian's shoulders tightened, he could feel the muscles drawing up. "Chad..." Shaking his head, Christian stretched his thumb out and flicked on his signal light and pulled off the road onto the soft shoulder. The dust whirled up around the truck as it slowed and stopped and Christian threw it into park. "I'm only gonna talk about this once, okay?"

Chad slid back a little, pulling his leg up on the seat so he could face Christian. He braced himself because whatever it was that Christian was about to say, Chad had a hunch that it was going to be massive. “Okay,” he whispered, offering his hand palm up in case Christian wanted to hold it.

Sliding his fingers slowly across Chad's palm, Christian threaded their fingers together. "I was pretty young. I had this friend. He was great; we grew up together really. Did all the stuff that guys do. _Hell_ , we were inseparable; we swam together, played ball, rode our bikes for hours on end. Busted into old abandoned buildings, stole candy from the store - you name it." Christian's thumb rubbed slowly over Chad's as he stared down at their hands.

"Mike, Michael. He was my best friend. And then, we grew up. Started talkin' about girls and stuff. I liked girls just fine, just thought maybe I liked him more. Kinda fucked me up for a while. I think maybe I even stopped talkin' to him the way I once did. Mike wasn't stupid. He knew that something was going on." Christian sighed and leaned his head back.

"It just went on too long. I couldn't talk to him about it because I _knew_ it was wrong. Guys don't like their best friends, they don't get jealous when they're seventeen and they see their friend makin' out with some girl. So by the time we graduated from high school we hardly spoke." The sadness that washed over Christian was a bit of a shock. No matter how many years went by he could still feel it like it happened the day before.

Chad was fairly certain he’d never seen Christian look so very _sad_. The emotion was strong and painful on his face and Chad couldn’t help scooting a little closer again, taking the man’s hand and squeezing. It was a silent encouragement to continue - although the story already hurt to listen to, Chad couldn’t imagine what might be coming next.

"The whole thing kind of came to a head the night we graduated. There was a big key party- you know the famous southern hospitality, only teenager-style." Christian smiled weakly and glanced at Chad quickly before continuing. "I got drunk. _Real_ drunk. He was drunk, too - and somehow, _fuck_ , I don't even know how, we ended up talkin. Just sittin' on the tailgate of his truck, drinkin' our beer and talkin' like we used to do all those years. And then he asked me. How come I pulled away from him? Why'd I give up on our friendship?" Christian's voice broke and he coughed to cover it, then shifted restlessly.

"I told him. I told Mike that I guessed I had feelings for him, that I shouldn't have and I tried to deal with it - and just couldn’t so I backed off. Cut myself off from him. 'Course he wouldn’t let it go - y'know. What did I mean? What kind of feelings? And I just blurted it out. That I loved him." Christian had to close his eyes but all he could see was the expression on Mike's face.

He took a shaky breath, fingers curling hard through Chad's. "At first he was just confused, didn't believe me or something. Hell, if I’d know then... then he was so angry. Just so _fucking_ angry at me. Said I was a fag and it was against God's will or some shit. He just screamed all this stuff at me and I sat there. I just sat there and took it." Christian's lashes fluttered closed and he fought off the urge to just climb out of the truck and start running.

"Then he yanked his keys out and said he needed to get away. _God_ we were so drunk - him especially and ... I just - I didn't know what to do. Maybe didn't even really think about how bad it could be to drive like that." Christian had to stop and squeeze his eyes shut, fight back the swelling of anger and resentment that threatened to choke him. "I grabbed onto him and he turned and swung and hit me so hard I saw fuckin' stars. I fell and hit my head on somethin', was bleedin' and shit when our friends found me. But he was gone."

"Fucker drove away and he-" Christian's voice broke again and he turned to look out the passenger window. "He swerved off the road 'bout a mile away from the party and rolled his truck. Stupid old piece of shit truck." His breath was more of a shudder than anything else and he was sure he had to be hurting Chad's hand.

"After, everyone just assumed it was my fault. It was obvious to people that we'd had a fight, I had a shiner and a split head. Mike was... Mike was..." Christian's heart was beating so fast he was feeling a little light-headed and he shifted so he could roll his window down. "I let 'em think it was my fault. Let 'em think I did something _so_ bad that Mike was just too angry to realize he shouldn't be driving. 'Cause that was the truth. Everyone was quick to believe it. Guess it just made sense to them. Was always Kane’s fault. Not Mike. Dead people are perfect. They don’t make mistakes or fuck things up."

“Jesus,” Chad whispered, blinking away the tears in his eyes. He suddenly felt like an ass for making his own past sound so horrible when Christian was carrying around the guilt and pain of _this_. “Christian-” Chad shifted a little closer and slid his hands up the man’s arms, framing his face with both hands and tilting his head up. “You are _not_ to blame for that. You tried to stop him, you did all you could. You can’t think it’s your fault, not after all these years. Think about it, would Mike want you to do that? Really? You just...” Chad trailed off, not sure if there really was anything to say to make this better.

He scooted closer and tugged the man into his arms for a hard hug. “It’s not your fault Christian, it’s not,” Chad whispered into the man’s hair, holding him so hard he couldn’t get away.

“You didn’t see the look on his face,” Christian murmured. “He was disgusted, freaked out - if I hadn’t told him-” Closing his eyes, Christian breathed slowly for a few moments. “St-Steve said I should never have told him, that you don’t just tell people shit like that and expect them to understand.“ When he opened his eyes he found it hard to meet Chad’s gaze. “Steve said everyone believed it was my fault - because it was - that I was just _that_ kind of guy.”

“Steve is the biggest fucking douche in the world.” Chad scoffed and shook his head. Once more he was framing Christian’s hands against his palms and forcing the man’s head up. “Christian? You were both drunk. And it was _that_ that killed him. If you had told him when you were sober, both of you, he still might have had issues with it but his driving away wouldn’t have led to his death. Alcohol killed him. _Not_ you.”

Christian’s hand lifted and his fingers curled into Chad’s shirt. “It’s not the same, I swear. You and Jared. I mean, there’s no one else. There’s never been anyone like …” Pulling back out of Chad’s grasp, Christian took another deep breath. “I need some air.”

Swearing softly when he couldn’t get the door open on the first try, Christian finally shoved it open with his foot and stumbled out of the truck. He leaned on the hood, hands spread wide and dropped his head, panting as he tried to catch his breath.

Chad wasn’t sure he should follow and for a long few minutes he simply stared out the front window at the man. Then he slowly slid across the seat and climbed out, walking around the door and hesitating beside Christian. “What’s not the same?” he asked quietly and gently, laying his palm in the middle of Christian’s back. It was dangerous to keep pushing things, he thought, but it was easier to focus on Christian’s issues than his own so Chad went with it. “Jared and I?” he prompted.

Blinking a few times, Christian looked up, confusion on his face. "Jared left you because Jensen was his _one_. But, you're mine. _You're_ who I wanna be with." Turning, he leaned back hard against the truck. "It just brought it all back - but you. It's you that I want. There's no one else." Shaking his head sadly, Christian took Chad's hand and pressed it against his chest.

Chad shoved forward until he could wrap his arms around Christian, drawing him in close to press a hand to the back of his head. “You’re mine,” he whispered, lips pressing to the man’s hair. “I love you,” Chad murmured against Christian’s ear, because he knew that if there was ever a point that Christian needed to hear it, it was now. He couldn’t fathom the weight of the guilt Christian carried around on his shoulders and he wanted to make it better, if that were even possible.

“I gotta stop hurtin’ people,” Christian whispered. His throat was tight, aching with the effort it took to keep his emotions at bay. Chad’s arms finally wrapping around him _so tightly_ didn’t make it any easier. His hand fit so perfectly over the back of Chad’s skull, like he could just cradle it and keep him safe forever.

“That’s not what you’re supposed to say,” Chad murmured and pulled back a little, staring at Christian and giving him a sad smile. “And you have to stop thinking that, thinking you killed Mike, or something. God Christian, carrying that around is going to make it impossible to really care for anyone else.”

“What was I supposed to say?” Christian’s hand was still curved over the nape of Chad’s neck.

Chad’s smile softened and he shrugged. “What you said last night.” He still wasn’t completely sure if he believed it or not, but now wasn’t the time to question it. Especially considering how much it probably took out of Christian to say it in the first place. “Tell me,” he whispered, urging, wanting to show Christian that he could say _I love you_ without causing an explosion of _bad_.

Christian's brow furrowed and he squeezed the back of Chad's neck as he looked down. His lips were a thin line when he finally looked up from under his lashes. "I love you," he said softly. His grip tightened unconsciously and one side of his mouth curled up in a nervous smile. “Didn’t think you liked hearin’ that last night.”

“Not really used to hearing it,” Chad whispered and leaned forward to capture Christian’s lips in a soft kiss. His hands moved back softly through Christian’s hair and he gently brushed their lips together, pulling back after a moment. “You’ve told me twice now, and nothing bad has happened.”

Christian wished that he could be as confident as Chad sounded. Smiling against the other man's lips, he laughed softly. "Yeah, I guess I did." Letting out a long sigh, Christian sank back against the truck again, pulling Chad down against him. "We didn't get very far from the city," he said.

“I’m glad you told me though,” Chad said softly, leaning into Christian’s body. He had a feeling there was a lot left between them, things to say and fix, but knowing a huge puzzle piece in Christian’s life went a long way toward explaining things. “It’s not gonna be that way with us.”

“What? We’ll never get far on road trips?” Christian felt his shoulder relax a little as he laughed into Chad’s hair.

“Hardy har,” Chad huffed a not quite there laugh and turned until his lips settled on Christian’s neck. “You know what I meant.” He sank against Christian’s chest even further, and then straightened up after a moment when only silence followed. “You do, right?”

“Yeah, Chad. I know what you meant.” Christian’s arm cinched a little tighter around Chad. He really wanted to believe that their relationship would just be smooth sailing, that he had made the right choices for once and could continue to do just that. He _really_ wanted to believe it. “We’ve got an ocean to get to,” he said as he pushed up off the truck. “You wanna drive?”

“Your truck?” Chad arched a brow in disbelief. As far as Chad knew, _no one_ was allowed to drive Christian’s truck.

"If it's too much truck for ya, it's okay. I'm good to drive." Christian's jaw twitched as he bit down on the smile that was trying to paint itself across his face.

Rolling his eyes, Chad reached out and snatched Christian’s keys from his hand. “I’m just worried that I won’t know how to drive without causing it to fall apart, you know, since you’ve got it held together with duct tape and a prayer.” Chad darted around Christian and made a grab for the driver’s side door, tugging it open and climbing in quickly even as he laughed at the joke.

Shaking his head, Christian shoved the door closed and then walked around the truck to the passenger’s side. As he climbed in he did his best to frown at Chad. “I’m sleepin’, though. And _you_ are my pillow.”

Lying down across the seat, Christian rested his head on Chad’s thigh and groaned happily. “Okay, drive me there,” he said sleepily.

“You do remember that I slept on the way there last time, right? And I wasn’t paying much attention on the way home.” Chad brushed his fingers through Christian’s hair once before starting the truck and guiding them back out onto the road.

"Go straight until you see State Highway 259. Turn left onto it. Drive straight. Wake me up when you see the ocean." Chuckling quietly, Christian rolled in to press a kiss to Chad's belly. "Drive."

Chad shook his head but he smiled softly and let his hand come to rest in a gentle curl over Christian’s shoulder. Sometimes it felt a little like things were on a tight rope between them, their relationship precariously balanced as Chad braced for the downfall. It was hard to say if they were going to make it work; Chad felt fine when he could focus on Christian’s problems, when he didn’t have to think about the ache in his own chest that seemed to have built a constant home there.

The focus of driving, even with Christian laying on his lap, let everything creep back and Chad’s hand tightened on Christian’s shoulder. He still wasn’t completely certain if this trip was the best idea, but he owed it to Christian to try.

The cabin was as gorgeous as it had been before, which wasn’t too much of a surprise, considering they’d been there less than two weeks before. It might as well have been a life time ago though, and a certain sense of _awkward_ filled the air as Chad headed for the key. He stopped half way there though, and his eyes landed on that spot on the beach where they’d shared their first time together in the rain.

Chad looked toward Christian, their gazes locking for a moment. As Christian’s lips parted Chad turned and continued toward the stairs. He didn’t know what Christian was going to say but he was scared that whatever it was would shake everything up in him; simply watching the man sleep on his thigh had done that well enough.

He carried his duffel to the bedroom, dropping his bag along the wall and staring down at the bed. He hadn’t thought about how riddled with memories this entire place was. Of course he should have known, it wasn’t like he wasn’t _just_ here.

Christian formed half a word but Chad was already jumping, turning to him with wide eyes. “Shit, sorry. You uh, scared me. Sorry. Did you want something?” He ran a hand back through his hair, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

“I was just askin’ if you were okay.” Christian leaned against the door frame and slipped a finger just under his cast to scratch. “Was this a good idea? Or a really shitty one?” He smiled sadly at the tension he could see in Chad’s shoulders.

“Just, hard not to think about, you know, the way it was last time.” Which had been easy. Shared moments of soft laughter and warm touches, long kisses, nearly twenty four hours spent in a happy little bubble. This time was everything but. “Feels like a long time ago, huh?”

"Well, yes and no." Christian took a few steps closer. "Never forgot what it feels like to touch you, or what your hair smells like. Did I tell you I have one of your t-shirts?" Christian ducked his head down and kicked his duffel over beside Chad's. Really, there was nothing he wanted more than for things to feel the way they had _before_.

“Oh? Pretty sure that won’t fit you.” Chad laughed weakly and resisted the urge to fold his arms over his chest. He really didn’t want Christian to step away. “Does it still smell like me?” he asked quietly, staring down at Christian’s shoes.

Christian nodded. “Yeah, slept with it ... that night when you caught... After I spoke to you.” Sighing, he headed over to the bed and sat down. “It’s gonna get better, you know. I mean, we just need a little distance from the shit that happened. Right?”

“Yeah.” Chad nodded in time with the gentle bob of Christian’s head, looking around uncertainly. “So, um, wanna go out in the water? I didn’t look at the weather or anything.” Chad shrugged, glancing at Christian, then around the room.

“Yeah? Well, I gotta get this cast covered up. I brought bags and tape for the shower. You think that’ll work?” As he spoke, Christian pulled his hair back into a pony tail and caught it with an elastic.

“Yeah I don’t know why it wouldn’t. We don’t have to go deep or anything, just get in.” Chad shrugged and watched Christian for a long moment before turning to dip down and pull open his duffel bag. Worn shirt and board shorts in hand, Chad stood and stilled. He wouldn’t have hesitated to undress in front of Christian before, and hell, they’d both been naked together the night before but now he wasn’t sure. “I’m- I’ll just go change.”

“Chad? C’mere.” Christian held out his hand. When Chad didn’t move, Christian crooked his fingers to motion for Chad to come over. When he’s seen Chad the day before, he’d known that it was going to be a tough road but it really did feel like starting over from well, further back than they’d ever been.

Sighing softly, Chad walked to Christian, stopping just in front of him expectantly. “Yeah?” he asked quietly, looking down at Christian’s feet, then back up to meet his gaze. There was too much behind those blue gray eyes and he looked away after a moment.

Pulling Chad closer, Christian smiled slightly as he pushed his hands into the front of Chad's jacket and pushed it off his shoulders. It fell to the floor with a soft _whump_ and Christian bent down to pick it up. He laid it on the bed and slid his fingers under the front of Chad's t-shirt and pushed it up. "When I was a kid? My momma gave me this towel to take to the pool. It was dark red and all soft, some kinda special sale thing. Anyway...I was swimmin' all afternoon and when I used the towel all the bits of red fluff came off and stuck all over me. Looked like I had some kind of disease."

Shrugging, Christian pushed Chad's t-shirt up until Chad had no choice but to take it off. Smiling, he dropped his hands to Christian's jeans and undid them slowly. "Mike couldn't stop laughin'. I was covered in the stuff. Never used that damn towel again."

Chad had no idea what that had to do with this, _now_ , but he smiled softly at the thought and the burst of heat that burned up through him as Christian’s fingers brushed above his jeans. It was good to know that the man could still make him feel like this, dizzy with heat. “That poor towel, it probably felt neglected.” Chad’s breath hitched with the last word as Christian pushed the jeans down. “Distracting me?”

"Maybe," Christian said quietly. Pressing his palm flat to Chad's abs he smiled as they tightened under his touch. "Maybe I just wanted to tell you my towel story. Make you relax a little." Smoothing his palm around Chad’s waist, Christian reached out for Chad's board shorts and bent down so Chad could step into them.

“It was an adorable story,” Chad admitted and it had done what Christian had planned - Chad oddly enough did feel a little more relaxed. “I used to be afraid of the water.” When Christian looked up at him Chad laughed softly and nodded. “Yes I know, I’m constantly begging you to take a bath with me, or I was.” Chad paused awkwardly and then cleared his throat and shook his head. “But when I was four my cousin pushed me into the pool and I nearly drowned. I was terrified of water from then on out. My mom used to have to bathe me by having me stand in a bath tub and dump cups of water over my head cause that was all I’d tolerate.”

“So, what did you do? To get over it?” Christian stood and pulled his shirt off. He picked at the button on his jeans with his good hand and then smiled when Chad reached out shyly and pushed his hand away.

Staring down at the button as he slipped it free, Chad shrugged. “We tried everything. My parents thought I just needed to be taught how to swim but the first time I had lessons I passed out before I even got in. As I got older my mom obviously didn’t want to bathe me so I did it myself, using a wet rag, and I washed my hair in the sink.” Chad let his fingers slip inside Christian’s jeans and he gently pushed down, smiling up at him softly before Christian crossed to his duffel bag to get his swim trunks.

Chad followed and took the shorts, dipping down again so that Christian could step into the material. He pulled them up and cleared his throat once more, fingers continuing up Christian’s side. “I even had them fooled for a while. All the way through my junior year of high school they thought I was over it. I’d turn the shower on and then wash myself with the rag and stuff so they wouldn’t know. Then one of my friend’s eighteenth birthday party was a pool party. I would have skipped all together but she was a good friend, one of the best, and she would have been crushed. So I went, steering clear of the water, which was stupid.”

Frowning slightly as he thought of the memory, Chad brushed his fingers over Christian’s collarbone almost absently like he’d always done before, little touches he couldn’t get enough of. “They thought I was just being snobby. Some of the jocks grabbed me at the wrist and ankles, threw me right into the deep end, even though I was screaming and trying to get away. I blacked out, sank to the bottom of the pool, and I nearly died.” Chad met Christian’s gaze and shrugged. “When I woke up I was over it.”

"Are you shittin' me? Just like that? Fuck, I would have been traumatized for life or something." Christian smiled and settled his hand on Chad's hip. "You're kind of amazing." He had to close his eyes for a moment; Chad's fingers were so light on his skin and it was sending gooseflesh down his chest.

“I can’t explain it. I guess it was just one of those near death things, or something. I woke up and thought, ‘wow I nearly died. And to think, if I’d only just gotten over the stupid fear of water then I wouldn’t have a patch of missing hair and fifteen stitches.’ So I grew my hair out, took swim lessons, and had a shower for the first time in my life. Not all in that order.” Chad laughed, flushing and stepping back, looking away. It was kind of an embarrassing story now that he thought about it.

Christian laughed. "You know, that just makes you kind of awesome. And it proves a point." Shrugging, Christian headed across the hall into the bathroom and grabbed a couple of towels. He tossed one at Chad through the door and waited for the man to follow him back down the hall.

“What point does it prove?” Chad finally asked because he couldn’t figure it out. Just as Christian was reaching out for the front door Chad reached out and snagged his arm, holding him back. “Your cast, I have- you have to wrap it.”

“Oh shit. I’ll get the stuff.” Heading back down the hall, Christian returned in a few moments with a plastic bag and some packing tape. “Can you do it for me? It’s easier - you know, if it’s someone else. I mean I can do it.” He shrugged again and tossed his towel on the couch.

“Christian, I can help,” Chad said softly and crossed to him, grabbing the bag and the tape. “It’s weird,” Chad said, distracted by fixing the bag over the cast. Christian hummed softly and Chad cleared his throat. “You know, the thing between us. The air or whatever. A little weird. Or am I imagining that?”

"You mean, like it feels a little different?" Christian kept his eyes on the plastic bag as Chad ran the tape around it. "I- yeah - I mean." Christian rolled his shoulders and a frown flitted across his face. "I guess it's normal after what happened. But, I'm not givin' up. I have more stories and I like the idea of falling asleep again with you in my arms. Maybe we can keep the window open and let all the cool air in so we have to stay all wrapped up in the quilt and-" He cleared his throat when he realized that he was talking too much. "Yeah," he said softly. "It feels different."

“I think it’s my fault,” Chad said quietly and cut the tape off, smoothing it over the plastic bag. He shrugged and stepped away, stooping down to grab the towel from the couch and press it to Christian’s chest. “Shall we, then?”

“I think it’s no one’s fault. Sometimes, things just happen.” Holding out his hand, Christian smiled slightly when Chad’s fingers slid across his palm. “Race ya to the water.” Leaning closer he pressed a kiss to Chad’s lips and then bolted for the door.

“That’s cheating!” Chad called, moments before he tore after Christian. He wasn’t sure he believed that it wasn’t his fault, but he would let Christian insist what he would.

The only sign Chad had before Christian was tackling him on the bed was the pounding of feet down the hall. After they’d splashed around in the water for a while - Chad never going more than waist deep and Christian sticking with that - they’d come inside to eat some lunch and shower. Chad had slipped into the bathroom before he could be tempted to invite Christian to join him.

Now he was reading, trying to catch up on all the work he’d been missing, sitting propped against the pillows on the bed. A large _oomph_ left his lips and Chad clutched his Econ book to his chest. “Hello, Christian. Something I can help you with?” he muttered, still slightly breathless.

“Whatcha doin’?” Christian grinned at Chad, wriggling a little higher on the man’s body. Chad felt _good_ underneath him.

“Reading homework.” Chad grunted as Christian moved over his chest. He tugged the book free, hastily tucking his bookmark in place just in case. “What are you doing? Besides imitating an eager puppy dog.”

“I was just sitting out there in the living room, on the couch, actually. Was just thinking about you and what you were doing. I didn’t bring any books or anything like that.” Sliding off of Chad’s body, Christian pressed up against the man’s side and pulled Chad’s arm out so he could rest his head on it. “How long you gonna be reading?”

“I hadn’t really planned a time.” Chad laughed softly, a little surprised by the way his breath hitched with Christian leaning against his side. Outside the window there was a clap of thunder, loud enough to shake the window on its panes. “Another storm. You know I can’t hear or smell rain without thinking of you now.”

"Good. We should move to a wetter climate. You'd have to think of me more often." Christian smirked and slid his hand over Chad's waist. Shoving at the book, he moved it the rest of the way off of Chad's chest and slung his leg over the other man. "You need a break from studying? Reading, I mean." He liked the way Chad laughed so quietly, the way he had to almost strain to hear it.

Truthfully, Chad had barely started reading. He’d sat for a long time just staring down at the words as he thought about Christian, this place, their everything. But it was impossible to ignore Christian sitting on his hips. “Hmm, got something in mind?” he asked quietly, reaching up to pull off his glasses.

“Well, I’m bored. I mean - I was bored. I’m not bored now.” Christian’s thumb tucked under the hem of Chad’s t-shirt. “Then I came in here. You got anymore stories to tell me? Anything you want to know? Ask me a question - anything.” Shifting up higher on the bed, Christian slid his palm the rest of the way under Chad’s shirt.

“Anything?” Chad repeated, biting down on his lip as he considered the possibilities and Christian’s hands running over his skin. “Can I ask you about Mike?” he asked quietly after a few minutes, watching Christian’s face as his body stilled.

It wasn't quite what Christian had in mind but he nodded. "Yeah, okay. What you ... what you wanna know?" His lips rolled together and he looked down, fingers moving slowly again on Chad's belly.

“How did you know that you loved him? I mean, obviously you had to have loved him like a brother first, for a while, so if you’d never done anything with a guy, how did you know that was what it was?” Chad stumbled over the question, almost too nervous to get it out.

Closing his eyes for just a moment, Christian tilted his head down and watched his fingers move under Chad's shirt. "It was just...the way I wanted to be around him. The way he made me feel. Little touches, like - I remember the first time it happened. We were raking up leaves in the yard and he reached over and pulled a leaf out of my hair and that _one_ touch..." Christian shook his head slightly. "It felt different, more, like a tingling all down my back or somethin'."

Nodding, Chad reached out and curled his fingers over Christian’s hips reassuringly. After all, he knew that feeling all too well. “And so, who was your actual first?” Chad wet his lips again, half shrugging. “I mean, physical-wise. Did you sleep with anyone before you told Mike? Or was your first time with a guy after?”

“Thought you might ask me what my favorite color was, or somethin’ like that.” Christian laughed softly. “I’d been with a girl before. Had a girlfriend in high school and after Mike...” He cleared his throat and closed his eyes. “ _After_ , I went on this crazy road trip. Shoved all my shit in the truck and took off. At first I was just too messed up to do anything with anyone. Then I met this guy in Mesa. Stopped in at this place to camp... slept in my truck really and he was there. Tall guy, really dark hair, freckles on his nose and a big cooler of beer.”

Christian sighed and tilted his chin up until he could kiss Chad’s jaw. “Guess he made me feel alive again, don’t know exactly what it was. Maybe it was the heat, the desert air... Anyway, it was alright, nothing great. First time an all.” With a shrug of his shoulder he pressed another kiss to Chad’s jaw and quieted.

It wasn’t that hard for Chad to put himself in that mindset, being so upset about the death of the man you loved - that you felt responsible for - and finally feeling something pleasant after so long without. Chad probably would have latched on to it, too. And there were a dozen other personal, intense questions he felt compelled to ask Christian while he could, but he hesitated as he remembered the man’s first words. “Would you prefer I stick to asking your favorite color?”

“It’s okay, we’re doin’ this different this time, right?” It was no secret to Christian that he wasn’t much of a _talker_. He’d already told Chad more than he’d ever told anyone and as strange as it felt he planned to continue. “Whatever you want to know. But you gotta pay later.” His lips curved up against Chad’s neck.

Chad’s eyes flickered closed as Christian’s lips burned into his skin. His head tilted back and his hand settled in a curve over the back of Christian’s head. “Pay, huh?” he murmured thickly and scrapped his lip between his teeth. He struggled to remember what else he wanted to know, because he was being given the chance to ask Christian _anything_. “Did you ever have feelings for Steve?” Might as well go for the big ones.

“I wondered if you thought that.” Christian pressed closer, hand moving over Chad’s ribs. “Nope, never, not like that. I care about him, sure....” Sighing, he sucked on the skin just below Chad’s ear and ran his tongue along the flesh as it warmed.

Heat crawled through Chad and he swallowed thickly, head automatically tilting back to give Christian more room. “Do you miss him now?” he asked, feeling only slightly weird that the question came out so breathlessly.

Christian pulled back and pressed a kiss to Chad's neck, then rested his head back on the man's arm. "Right now? Wouldn't even have thought about him ‘til you brought him up." He smirked slightly as his fingers bumped over Chad's nipple and he earned a shudder for his trouble.

“Oh,” Chad murmured softly, lips parting and closing. He was sure he had more questions he wanted to ask but Christian was _really_ distracting. “Y-you, got anything you wanna ask me?” Chad blinked almost lazily down at Christian, soft smile on his lips.

"You think...maybe you can ever forgive me?" Christian traced the curve of Chad's smile with his finger, a little unsure.

The smile on Chad’s lips faded slightly and his head tilted to the side. “Christian. I’ve already forgiven you. Hell, I’d forgiven you by the time I made it to Jared’s that night. S’not like, I mean, knowing the- I don’t think you would have done it if you knew I was there, or that we were still together. You know, that I still wanted you.” _If I hadn’t said I love you_ , Chad added as a thought, rolling his lips together slowly.

“I mean really forgive me. You’re shaking, you’re nervous. Maybe my next question should be, _what are you so scared of_?“ Christian stared up into those blue eyes he knew so well.

Chad’s mouth opened and closed, his eyes dancing across Christian’s features, and then finally fell to the bed. “Scared?” he asked quietly, shifting under the man’s intense gaze. “I’m not scared,” he insisted, though he wasn’t entirely sure he believed it.

Staring a few moments longer, Christian dropped his head back down. Chad's breathing sped slightly, Christian could feel it in the gentle rise and fall of his chest. There were still moments when he wasn't entirely sure he deserved answers. "You can say you don't want to talk about it..."

“Don’t. Please don’t, Christian. I can’t- I wanted to-” Chad groaned and rubbed his palm over his face. He was terrified to answer and terrified not to answer, stuck between that little glimpse of hope that they would be like they were and that hollow emptiness that filled his chest when they were apart. It was too much and he struggled under Christian’s weight, trying to get free. “Christian, get off,” he was breathless as he squirmed, desperate for the space to breathe.

It took a few moments for Christian to realize Chad wanted to get up. Blinking, he rolled off Chad’s chest and stood quickly, backing away without really knowing why. "I'm ... I'm sorry. I was just-" He wasn't sure actually what he _had_ done. "Chad?"

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Chad wrapped his arms around his legs and tucked his head down against his sweats to hide his tears. It didn’t get him far, considering the next moment he was hiccoughing tears and choking on a sob, but it had a lot to do with the tightening in his chest, the guilt he felt for bringing the sadness to Christian’s face. He didn’t even know what was wrong with him and he had a hunch that he was on the verge of damaging everything between them.

Moving back to the bed quickly Christian reached out, pulled back, then swore softly. “Fuck this,” he said. Grabbing Chad’s arms, he pulled him forward and pressed him up against his chest. His hand curled protectively over the nape of Chad’s neck and he rubbed gently. “It’s okay, I’m so sorry.”

“Stop it,” Chad choked on the words, smacking his fist against Christian chest and pulling back so their eyes could meet. “Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s not your fault. You- you’ve said sorry, you’ve done everything. This, you brought us here, you’re trying so fucking hard and I’m just... I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just a fuck up.” Chad slumped back against Christian’s chest, face pressing into the man’s neck.

“God, no,” Christian whispered. "You're not - _Jesus_ , Chad. I acted like a moron. What do you think I would have done if I'd found _you_ with another guy? You think I would have walked away like you did? I would have beat the _shit_ out of him. _You_ were the one who was trying to do this right. Now, you listen to me." Christian held Chad tightly in case he changed his mind about being in his arms.

"What I did was wrong, juvenile, fucking idiotic. I hurt you. You're... you're hurt and you’re probably scared that you're walking right down the same path again-" Christian shook his head and nosed into Chad’s hair. “Do you know how _fucking_ lucky I am that you’re here, that you’re willing to be this hurt and still give us another try?”

Chad relaxed against Christian, finally clearing his mind long enough to actually _listen_ to what the man had to say. It was weirdly painful to admit he was right, and getting his mind to think that way took actual effort. Sniffing softly, he pulled back a little and blinked up at Christian. “But when I told you I loved you, it threw everything off. If I’d never said that, things never would have changed.”

"What did you tell me about Mike? You said that what I did - that wasn't what caused his reaction, right?" Christian stroked Chad's cheek, wiping away the remaining dampness with his thumb.

“Do you believe it?” Chad asked quietly, leaning into Christian touch.

"I'm workin' on it. You gonna work on it?" Christian sighed softly and relaxed slightly as Chad calmed.

“Yeah okay, I’ll work on it,” Chad whispered and curled his fingers together, staring down at them. “This is kind of insane, isn’t it? The way I’m being. You think it’s because of, because of before? Like, everything that happened with Jared, and then this.”

Smiling slightly, Christian took a deep breath and groaned. "Chad, it's just what it is. That's all. You and me? We're all fire when we get together, and that's what makes it interesting." Chuckling, Christian shifted around to get more comfortable. "You okay?"

Chad looked up and smiled softly at Christian. “Yeah, I think I am.” He leaned forward to capture Christian’s lips against his own in a slow kiss. “Let’s just be good now,” he breathed against Christian’s lips.

“Okay, for now, let’s just be good.” Christian’s watched as Chad’s eyes closed and couldn’t resist deepening the kiss. He knew exactly what Chad was feeling - he wanted to be out the other side of the _crap_ that he’d stirred up, but he wanted to do it right. For now? He was okay with just letting it work itself out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chad was in the windowless bathroom when the loud clap of thunder shook the house to its baseboards and the lights fizzled and went out. A very unmanly shriek left his lips and he tore the door open, racing down the hall and leaping onto the couch. He crashed hard against Christian’s side, though he hadn’t been aiming for the man. He hadn’t even known he was on the couch.

The house was completely dark except the occasional flashes of lightning and Chad really wasn’t much of a _dark_ person. He clutched tightly to Christian, flinching at the next clap of thunder, not caring how it made him look.

Christian burst out laughing. “You are _so_ not telling me you’re scared of storms.” He tossed the magazine he’d been reading on the coffee table and managed to get his arm out from under Chad.

“Not _scared_. Not technically.” Chad muttered, shifting against his boy... wait. Where they boyfriends? Chad hadn’t even thought to check that little detail. “Hey Christian? Are we boyfriends again?” It was completely unrelated to the storm and that was good. Chad would rather not think about it.

“Those two things weren’t really related were they?” Christian tucked his arm behind Chad’s back and kicked his feet up on the coffee table. “You were my first boyfriend. I suppose you could be my second.” Laughing softly, Christian watched as the rain lashed against the window.

“There’s something really weird about that statement,” Chad mumbled and shifted, finding the most comfortable place against Christian’s body. “No power,” he whispered and turned to run his lips along Christian’s neck, shifting so his ass rolled in a slow arch against Christian. “What _ever_ will we do?” Chad laughed shakily, wetting his lips at the burn of heat.

“Gonna have to stay warm,” Christian murmured. As his hands slid around Chad’s body they smoothed down the man’s t-shirt and settled just at the top of his thighs. “Damn cast,” he muttered against Chad’s ear.

Chad chuckled softly and slid his hands down until they rested over Christian’s and the cast. His fingers thread through Christian’s on his good hand and he guided him up, resting just over the button and zipper on his jeans. “It’s rather troublesome,” he agreed, closing his eyes as he once more sank back against Christian. “How we gonna keep warm?”

"Well, you could study. I could keep reading _Women's World_ or whatever the fuck that is." Christian chuckled and then sucked in a quick breath when Chad's ass pressed back against his crotch. As his lips moved over Chad's ear, Christian slipped his little finger under the waistband of Chad's jeans. "Wanna know what my favorite thing about touching you is?"

Breath catching, Chad let another roll through him until he could feel the firm line of heat burning through denim. “What is it?” He asked with a soft moan, hand sliding off Christian’s cast; Chad let it drop to the man’s thigh and squeezed.

"When I touch this part of you..." Christian finger grazed over the fine hair below Chad's belly button and slid his hand lower as Chad's entire body arched up. Moaning softly, Christian laughed breathily. "You do that."

“Sensitive,” Chad gasped softly and let his legs lift and drop on the coffee table. His fingers dug hard into Christian’s thigh and he blinked his eyes open to stare down at Christian’s hand, slowly and as sneakily as he could, Chad slid the button free from his jeans to give Christian more room to touch.

"You tryin' to get me to touch you?" Christian breathed the words against Chad's ear, tongue flicking out to dart just inside the man's ear. For a few moments Christian thought about just rolling Chad, fucking into him, _taking_ him. Then Chad moaned softly, his body twisting as he arched up again before dropping back down to rub _hard_ against Christian's body.

“Tryin’ take control?” Christian’s voice was heavy with lust as his hand slid further down. Chad’s boxers were soft, the cotton smooth and Christian rubbed his palm straight over the hard line of heated flesh beneath them.

“N-no,” Chad stuttered the word, sucking in a slow and deep breath as he tried not to react to Christian’s teasingly soft touches. “Christian,” he moaned, soft and needy, and squirmed back against Christian. He wanted more, everything, but he always wanted that with Christian and it was soothing to want it just because, not to fill the ache in his chest.

"What do you want?" Christian's voice was almost lost in the sound of the wind and rain beating against the cabin. The ocean was roaring as the wind tossed the waves against the shore. When Chad's body arched up again, Christian slid his hand further down so he could cup Chad's hard-on. Thin material was all that separated him palm from the heat he could feel as Chad's hips rolled up into the touch.

“Anything,” Chad gasped and laughed softly, barely shaking his head. “You,” Chad whispered and he couldn’t get past that one primal urge, breaking it down to specifics was far too much work for him. Especially with the heat of Christian’s hand seeping through his boxers and Chad arched in one long drawn out motion, starting at his thighs and shuddering up his spine as his ass rocked in a slow glide against Christian’s equally hard arousal. Something about being surrounded by the man’s heat was making it hard to breathe.

"Love the way you move," Christian whispered. His fingers dragged along the hard line of Chad's cock then slipped them under the material. His arm tightened across Chad's chest, holding him close as he stroked the rigid velvet soft flesh.

“God,” Chad moaned and continued his steady rocking up into Christian’s hand, back against his hips. The steady slow twist and stroke was a little maddening and Chad ran his hands along Christian’s arms, then down to his thighs to grip and squeeze. “You- crazy how you can work me over.”

Each time Chad ground his hips back Christian found it a little harder to breathe steadily. Shifting slightly, he hooked one leg over Chad's ankle, holding his legs apart as he stroked the man's cock slowly. Teasing the silken head with a sweep of his thumb Christian nosed into Chad's hair until he could lick and nip at the nape of his neck. "So hot,” he rasped.

“You’re telling me.” Chad laughed with a quiet huff, allowing Christian to pull his legs even further apart. His hips didn’t arch as much as they had before, slowing into gentle undulations as he absorbed the teasing little touches of Christian on his skin. “Christian,” he moaned louder, breaking the silence in the pause of thunder claps.

Christian's heart skipped a few beats then fell into a steady rhythm again. _Fuck_ , the way Chad said his voice sent shivers down his body. "Tell me you love me again," he said thickly. The rhythm of his stroke quickened and he used his casted hand to turn Chad's head so he could suck a trail of kisses down the fine cheek bone.

Eyes clenching shut, Chad rode out the colliding rolls of pleasure through his body and struggled to catch his breath. “I love you,” he half gasped, fingers tightening hard on Christian’s thighs. “Fuck. I love you so much,” he said the words almost in awe; like it was just occurring to him just _how_ much he loved this man.

"Wanna feel you fall apart, because you want to, just because it feels good." Christian knew that his voice affected Chad; he'd watched the man tremble before when Christian gave him even veiled commands. His hand moved in _just_ the right mixture of stroking and squeezing, twisting to make sure Chad never knew quite what to expect. Catching the corner of Chad's mouth in a kiss Christian moaned and rocked his hips up against Chad's ass.

The combination of sensations tore through Chad and his orgasm slammed hard through him, his body tensing as his mouth parted and Christian’s tongue delved forward. He jerked up into Christian’s hand with each wave of his release until he was melting back against his lover’s chest, lips falling away and dropping to press against his neck. “Jesus,” he whispered, panting roughly.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous," Christian whispered. Withdrawing his hand he pressed it flat to Chad's belly, feeling the last twitches and ripples of muscle as pleasure washed over him. "Could watch you like that forever."

Christian's arms snaked round Chad's chest and held him tightly. "Love you," he whispered into Chad's hair.

Chad closed his eyes again as Christian’s words sent a last lingering ripple of pleasure through him. He didn’t doubt _love you_ as much as he had the day before which was good, great enough. In one swift movement Chad twisted and slid off the couch, dropping down to his knees and running his hands up along the inside of Christian’s thighs. He blinked up at the man, staring up at him with lust dark eyes.

“I really like hearing you say that,” he murmured, dragging his thumbs in a hard press up along Christian zipper and over the ghost of heat soaking through the denim.

Panting softly, Christian licked his lips. "Yeah?" Rolling his head to the side Christian groaned softly at the pressure of Chad's fingers. "You gonna ... make me suffer?"

Chad smirked up at his lover - his _boyfriend_ once more - and let his fingers move up to slip Christian’s button free. “What’s wrong baby? Can dish out the teasin’ but can’t handle it?” Chad laughed and pulled Christian’s fly down, intent on freeing Christian’s cock from his briefs so he could taste the man once more.

Spine curving up slightly, Christian spread his legs wider. When his foot thumped to the floor he groaned and shifted his hips in the hopes of finding the sweet heat of Chad's mouth. "C'mon, you want it too." Christian's voice was deep. "You love sucking me off." Stretching his arm down, Christian slid his fingers back into Chad’s hair. “Come on.”

Hearing Christian beg was far hotter than Chad could have imagined and he shuddered in response, always so affected by the man. He tugged hard at Christian’s jeans and briefs until his arousal sprang free and Chad wet his lips. He paused for just a moment but Christian groaned and his fingers in Chad’s hair guided him forward.

Chad laughed deep and rough, the sound trailing off as the slick heat brushed across his bottom lip. Christian was right, Chad did _love_ sucking the man off and he’d missed it as much as he’d missed everything else. His lips instantly curved around the smooth head, tongue running smooth flat along the bead of pre-come. Then he was slowly sinking down, moaning at the fill and stretch so familiar and perfect.

"Fuck, yeah." Christian's hips rocked up to slide his cock deeper. It was hot and slick; Chad's mouth so smooth, his tongue twirling and sweeping around Christian's aching flesh. The way Chad swallowed him down was enough to kill Christian. He could feel it everywhere; his body came alive. Trying not to thrust too hard, not too deep he twisted slightly and dropped his hand to the smooth skin of Chad's cheek.

For several long moments Chad re-accustomed himself to the feel of Christian’s cock, sinking all the way down and drawing back, sinking down again than finally pulling up and off. “Come on, we both want you to fuck my mouth, you know I don’t need you to be gentle.” Chad nearly moaned at his own words than sank down to swallow Christian up once more.

"Fuck." Christian spat out the word and his body jolted up. Thrusting forward he moaned low and loud; sensation flooded him, his skin alive with sensation. The sound of the storm matched the pounding of his heart and Christian's hand found its way back to Chad's hair. Holding his lover still, Christian rocked his hips forward in a steady rhythm. When his cock rubbed the back of Chad's throat, the man moaned and Christian's body jerked with lust. His entire body shook as he rocked forward again and again into the wet heat.

Chad’s hands found purchase on Christian’s thighs but he didn’t try and control anything, he let Christian set his own pace. Each slide between his lips and over his tongue sent a gentle shudder down Chad’s spine. He was faced with that question once more, whether it was unusual to be so turned on by something like this. Then Christian’s pace was increasing and Chad’s world narrowed down to the thrust into his mouth. He moaned low in his throat and braced himself, knowing Christian was moments from losing control.

The moan that wrapped around Christian's cock sent shivers up his spine. HIs palm slid to the back of Chad's skull and his hips snapped forward as his balls drew up tight and hard against his body. His orgasm was like a shudder that began somewhere deep inside him and just rippled out. Slapping his hand down on the couch, he grunted and then moaned as his back arched up. Each pulse of come felt fiery hot and Chad just lapped at his release. The entire thing was so _hot_ that Christian's head was spinning.

Slowly Chad pulled back, chasing the taste on his lips and tucking the man back into his briefs. He tugged until he could do up the man’s jeans then crawled up, straddling his thighs and dropping to rest on his chest. Christian was still panting and Chad pressed soft kisses along his jaw line. “Did I break you?” He asked, the words hoarse and rough.

“We should have just stayed here forever,” Christian whispered. The wind whipped the rain against the front window and Christian reached beside him to pull a blanket around them. As Chad settled down against him, Christian sighed happily. “Just here forever.”

“Would we live off fish?” Chad asked with a soft laugh, squeezing his knees on either side of Christian’s hips. “Would you go out and catch them every day and I’d stay home, do the cooking and cleaning?”

"With ma bare hands," Christian drawled. "Might even wrestle some sharks." Shifting a little he buried his nose in the warmth of Chad's neck. "Can take care of my man," he muttered sleepily.

Chad snorted, his amused smile fading to soft and warm. “M’sure you can,” he mumbled and pressed his lips to Christian’s neck once more. “Really glad I love you,” he whispered, not sure if it was a silly thing to say or not

Humming, Christian’s pulled the blanket tighter. “Glad ya do too.” Laughing quietly he pressed a kiss to Chad’s temple. They might fall asleep there for a while, but it didn’t really matter. As long as he held Chad in his arms, everything just felt _right_.

At some point during the night, Christian awoke with Chad still plastered to him. Waking Chad gently, he escorted his shuffling boyfriend down the hall and helped him undress so they could climb under the pile of warm quilts on the bed.

He slept well.

The storm had blown over when Christian opened his eyes. Chad was curled on his side, one hand curled in Christian’s hair. Smiling, Christian just lay there for a while. There was a flush on Chad’s cheeks, his lips were soft and relaxed, finally all his features were smooth and not tight with worry. Stroking blond strands off his boyfriend’s forehead, Christian pressed a soft kiss there.

Chad woke to gentle touches and warm skin and his lips automatically twitched in a soft smile. He really did miss sleeping in Christian’s arms and he hoped it was going to happen a lot more now. He shifted into the man’s touch, sliding forward until he was half spread over the man and sinking against the warm weight of him.

“Truth or dare,” Christian whispered.

Brow furrowing, Chad blinked his eyes open a few times and slowly looked up at Christian. “You what now?” There was no way he’d just heard what he thought he’d heard.

Laughing, Christian nestled down into the bed and squeezed Chad. “Truth. Or. Dare.”

Alright then, that was a little weird. Certainly not the first thing Chad expected upon waking up. “Uh, truth?” He asked because no part of him felt like moving away from Christian just yet.

“Are you happy?” Christian smiled, fingers moving slowly on the heat warm flesh of Chad’s back. He loved being around Chad in the morning. The man was kind of dopey in the best possible way.

Chad chuckled roughly, his lips pressing to the nearest patch of skin. “I am. I’m very happy.” His smile grew when Christian squeezed him softly. It was quiet for a few minutes and Chad slowly looked up. “Am I supposed to ask now? Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Christian grinned then thought for a moment. “No, I take that back. Truth.” As soon as he thought about Chad moving he didn’t much like the idea.

“Um,” Chad hummed thoughtfully, his brain still very much in sleep mode. “That dude kiss better than me?” It’d been bothering him for a while so he supposed that was why it randomly popped up.

“No. No way. You have this... here...” Christian shifted slightly so he could lift his head up and catch Chad’s bottom lip in a slow, luxurious kiss. Sighing, when he pulled back he smiled as his opened his eyes. “You taught me that, makes my fucking body tingle.”

Chad’s eyes were still closed but he smiled, then he slowly blinked them open to stare at Christian. “That was a good kiss.” Chad grinned at him and shifted a little up the man’s body. “I’m going on record saying I’m defaulting to truth for the length of this game ‘cause I don’t want to move.”

Letting his head fall back, Christian laughed again. “Fine. So - who’s better lookin’ me or Jared?” Christian raised his eyebrows and tried to look real sexy.

A rather undignified snort left Chad’s lips and he blinked a few times, shaking his head. “That is a crappy question. Because you two look so very different.” Chad sighed and mulled it over, though he already knew his answer. He just didn’t want Christian to think he was choosing the _safe_ answer. “You,” he finally said, laying his hand on Christian’s chest. “I love that your hair is long. And that you’re so strong. And, weirdly enough, I kind of like that you’re shorter than me.”

Huffing out a small laugh, Christian slid his hand up Chad’s back. “I’m tall,” he muttered and leaned in for a kiss. “Truth,” he whispered against Chad’s lips before stealing another kiss.

Chad decided it was safer not to say anything regarding height so he kept the words to himself. When he pulled back from the kiss his eyes stayed shut and he hummed as he gently chased Christian’s taste with the slide of his tongue. “If you could change something about me, what would it be?”

Frowning, Christian stared at Chad, moving his gaze up and down the man's body like he was truly considering only physical features. When Chad slapped at his chest he grinned and took a deep breath. There was really nothing he would change. "Change," he murmured. His fingers moved slightly on Chad's back and then he looked up again. "Seriously? I can’t think of anything - I mean, what if there's really nothing? I suppose your taste in music is borderline questionable sometimes... but - really? Nothing."

“Borderline questionable?” Chad’s brows rose in disbelief. “Just because I like some songs that don’t twang and mention tractors does not make it questionable.” Chad smirked and poked Christian’s chest. “Guess it’s good. That you won’t change anything.”

“Well, it works well for me. I already got what I want.” Christian’s expression softened as he massaged Chad’s shoulder. “So, truth again? Ya wuss?”

“Not a wuss. Just don’t want to move.” Chad grumbled and rubbed at his eyes. “So ask the question or stop your yappin’ so I can go back to sleep.”

Laughing louder, Christian tapped his finger to his bottom lip for a few moments. “Okay, if you could change something about me, what would it be?”

Chad couldn’t answer. Not because he didn’t think of something, but more because the answer came to him _right_ away. Frowning, he shook his head. “You can’t ask the same question. That’s cheating.”

“No it’s not! C’mon. We didn’t have rules before.” Christian shook Chad slightly then kissed him again. “Answer.”

“That’s like, the truth or dare rules. It’s in the handbook I’m sure.” Chad pouted slightly. There was no way he could answer this. It would break the easy calm between them he was sure of it.

“I can’t believe you don’t wanna answer that.” Christian frowned. “Is it my nose? I’ve got this weird thing with my top lip too - think it was because I got punched a long time ago and split my lip. Come _on_ , there’s nothing you can’t tell me.”

“No. Christian, god, there is nothing physical about you that I would change,” Chad huffed and rolled onto his back scrubbing a hand over his face before looking over at the nightstand. “Any idea where my glasses are?”

“Living room. What is it? What’s … is it something so big that you think I’ll be pissed?” Now that the idea was planted in Christian’s mind he wasn’t sure he could let it go. Leaning on his elbow he smiled down at Chad. “Tell me.”

Groaning, Chad dropped his arm over his eyes. This was very bad. He should have just said nothing at all and lied about it. They could have this conversation some day when they weren’t still fixing things. “Christian, please, just drop it.”

“I thought we were starting over? You know... truth and honest and all that.” Christian’s smile faded and he shifted back a little. Things had been going pretty well up until now. “If there are things you can’t tell me, how we gonna make it?” Curling his fingers into a fist, he nudged gently at Chad’s shoulder.

“Your drinking,” Chad snapped, because Christian just kept pushing and he realized he was going to make things worse by keeping things to himself. He felt Christian tense beside him and he swallowed thickly. “Just the- you know- just.” Chad laughed weakly and shook his head. “You know, that was before, you seem different now so just, forget it.” Chad _was_ a wuss.

Christian let out a half laugh and then his brows furrowed as he looked down at Chad. For some reason, it wasn't quite what he was expecting; but he couldn't deny that it made sense. Obviously it was important enough to Chad that it was upsetting him to even mention it. "Different how?"

“You said you haven’t drank in a while. So maybe it’s not as bad as I thought it was,” Chad muttered, lowering his arm but keeping his eyes away from Christian. “I’ve always wondered, you know, why it started. If it was really bad. Or if it was just a thing, from like, living where you lived. Maybe Steve helped you along that path.”

“Path?” Christian eyes narrowed as he looked down. “What are you askin’ me, Chad?” Rubbing at his mouth Christian rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. His heart was pounding; he knew what Chad was hinting at he just wasn’t sure he was even able to say it out loud.

Chad frowned and rolled toward Christian, hesitating a moment before letting his hand rest on Christian’s chest. “Do you... think you have a drinking problem? I mean, do you feel the urge to drink? Does it bother you not to?” He wanted to let Christian know that if that was the case, if he _did_ have a problem; he was going to be there to support Christian no matter what.

Christian wasn’t so sure he would be able to describe what he was feeling. Something ice cold - like fear kind of rattled through his body. Tears welled in his eyes and then as he forced the air out of his lungs he felt the vaguest sense of relief.

“I-” He coughed, his throat suddenly tight and dry. “When things get bad, yeah. I - I think-” He gritted his teeth for a few moments and settled a shaking hand over Chad’s

A steel band of tension was tightening slowly around Christian’s chest. What if Chad just walked? What if it was too much?

Turning his head slightly, Christian started into those clear blue eyes. “I think maybe it’s a problem.” As soon as they words were out Christian felt Chad shift a little closer and his eyes widened before closing. He let out a shaky breath and threaded his fingers through Chad’s.

Chad didn’t know a lot about all of these things, about what to do when drinking became a problem, but he knew that admitting it was an issue at all was high up on the list of first steps. “That’s- you know, we can do something about it. We can make it better somehow. I can help.” He pressed flush against Christian’s side, trying to be as close as possible.

“Yeah,” Christian managed to get out. His arm wrapped tight around Chad’s neck and he pulled him close. There would maybe never be another time in his life that he’d be quite _so_ thankful for someone’s understanding. Hell, he wasn’t even sure he knew what to say beyond the _huge_ statement he’d just managed to get out.

“Christian, it’s- it’ll be okay,” Chad murmured and pressed his lips to Christian’s cheek, arm wrapped around the man’s middle. “Just saying that, it’s big you know? I’m proud of you for it okay?” He wasn’t sure if that was the best thing to say but it was the only thing he knew and felt.

Christian just nodded as he turned his face into Chad's neck. Breathing deeply for a few moments, minutes, he had no idea, he just held on to Chad for a while. When he finally felt like he could speak without losing the slight grip he had on things he just whispered against Chad's ear. "What if I can't do it, what if - I don't know how to do it alone."

“Hey, you listen to me,” Chad pulled back and cupped Christian’s face, smiling softly at him. “As long as you want me around, I’m not going anywhere. You won’t have to do any of this alone. I promise, there’s not a minute of this you’ll have to go through alone.” It was an easy promise to make, Chad couldn’t imagine leaving Christian alone, not to deal with something so major when he loved the man so very much.

"And what if I can't? What then?" Christian's voice sounded strange to him, a million miles away like somehow he was listening to someone else talk. There was no way he could keep looking into Chad's eyes. Even after what he'd told him all he could see there was clear and honest. It was a little too much.

Sighing softly, Chad shook his head slowly. “Don’t think that way. You can’t start - I mean, well whatever we do, you can’t think in long terms with it right? Pretty sure they say one day at a time with these things. And look, you made it all this last week without drinking right? Was it really that hard?” Chad held his breath, almost scared to find out just how difficult it might have been.

Christian frowned and looked up. He'd been so caught up in things he hadn't really been paying attention. There'd been the fight with Steve and he'd wanted to stay sober to deal with the aftermath, then the move had taken up so much time, pain killers he couldn't mix drinking with. "I mean it, Chad. What if I can't change? What happens then? I still gotta work with Steve - and he's - he's not-"

It was on the tip of Christian's tongue to say that Steve didn't help but then why should he? It wasn't Steve's issue to deal with. He could drink if he wanted and it was ridiculous for Christian to expect that he would spend the rest of his life without anyone ever offering him alcohol of any kind. "The band," he said softly. "It's all part of getting on stage. I mean - not part of it - but you don't know what that's like. I'm putting myself out there; all my words, my feelings. Chad? That song I wrote for you - there’s more of _me_ in that than in what I say all the time. Fuck, I don’t even..."

“Christian, stop.” Chad surged forward and pulled him in for a hug again. “You can’t think like this. You can’t going into this thinking you can’t, I mean it. It’s like any addiction someone might have. You’ll have to relearn how to do everything. And I know it’s gonna suck, sometimes more than others, the band, yeah. It’s gonna be hard and I know it. But you won’t be doing it alone.”

Pulling back again, Chad gently kissed Christian’s lips and let their foreheads rest together. “I’ll be the thing to get you through your shows,” he whispered, praying that he could be what Christian latched too. “I’ll stand up right up front, right where you can see me, and you just look at me when it gets to be too much. When you feel like you need a drink.”

Christian didn't feel nearly as convinced as Chad sounded but he nodded anyway. "Bet you're sorry you met me," he said softly. All he could feel was Chad's breath on his lips, the man's hands warm on his cheeks.

“Don’t say that,” Chad sucked a sharp breath and jerked back, blinking wide eyed at the man. “Jesus, Christian, you think you’re the only one that’s fucked up? It’s shit, I know, and it’s gonna get worse, I know that too. But I will _never_ regret meeting you. Not- just- never. Okay?” Chad slumped back, frowning at the way his heart stung so tightly at the simple words.

The combination of the passion in Chad's voice and the expression on his face knocked the wind out of Christian's protest. "Wow. Okay." There was a slight smile on his face when he caught Chad's eye. "I won't say that again."

“See that you don’t.” Chad huffed, looking over at Christian and sighing as he rolled toward him once more. “I’ve only ever been with two people before,” he said quietly, laying his fingers on Christian’s arms. In case the statement seemed as random as it was, Chad cleared his throat and pressed forward. “I mean, everything. Dating, sex, just two. Not much room to regret.”

"Two? Including me?" Christian's hand settled on Chad's chest again. The topic change was a bit of a relief.

A gentle flush crawled up Chad’s neck and across his cheek. It was definitely a lot easier to pretend like he had massive amounts of experience. “Yeah well,” Chad cleared his throat, face scrunching up. “You, Jared, and a variety of dil-” Chad looked up sharply then quickly away. The heat in his cheeks intensified. “Uh. Anyway. You know, just never been a fan of one night stands.”

“Jared was your first.” Christian was surprised at the strange feelings that coursed through him. It wasn’t like it was something he could really be jealous of - first times being what they were. But, it explained a lot, clarified some things Christian had been thinking. “That must have … been harder when he left.”

“I never told him,” Chad whispered, staring down at the sheets with wide eyes. He supposed honesty was good, like Christian said, but he wasn’t so sure he wanted to admit to all this. “Jared, he- you know, he never asked because there I was, almost twenty years old, and I’m pretty good looking so of course he wouldn’t think I was a virgin. Not with the way I got so eager giving head.” Chad snorted and shook his head, running a hand back through his hair.

“We were drunk, and we’d only just been friends before but we fooled around when we drank you know? Anyway. We drank too much and he started- god, you don’t need the details. Sorry. It was just, too fast, it hurt the entire time, I didn’t get off.” Chad groaned and fell against Christian’s chest. “Why am I telling you all of this?”

Blinking wide eyes, Christian nodded slowly. "Okay. So - let's see then. Who's better?" Tilting his head slightly, Christian slid his hand down the long curve of Chad's back then over his ass before squeezing firmly. "Who makes you feel more?"

There was no hesitation behind Chad’s answer, he knew without even the gentle touch of the man’s hand along his body. “You,” he murmured, tilting up until his breath was releasing in a soft pant against Christian’s neck. “There’s no question there.” Chad whispered and pressed his lips softly to the silky warm skin covering the pulse point. “How many?” Chad knew it was going to be a lot more than two and he braced himself, not completely sure he wanted to know.

Groaning, Christian smoothed both hands over Chad’s ass and held him there as he arched up slightly. “No... no more games, okay? The day’s just passin’ us by and we should be outside or somethin’.”

“I want to know,” Chad insisted, rocking his body down toward Christian’s and gasping the words a little breathlessly. “Come on, you made me answer the other question, you answer this one.” Chad should really let it go, he had a feeling he really wasn’t going to like the answer, but just the fact that Christian wouldn’t tell him made the desire to know stronger.

“Chad, I don’t know, c’mon, I’ve never counted. It’s not like - _Jesus_. Chad?” Christian rolled them quickly and pinned Chad to the mattress. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” Taking Chad’s mouth in a rough kiss, Christian thrust his tongue forward. The heat of Chad’s body was too enticing and _God_ he’d done enough talking for a thousand years.

Chad let Christian kiss him, hell he even kissed him back, but the question was more nagging than before. He rocked up against the man’s body, pulling back from the rough kiss after a long moment and tilting his head back. “Christian,” he half gasped, fingers tangling into the man’s hair. “C’mion- just, what? A dozen? More? Less? You seriously can’t just, not know.” Chad’s eyes blinked open, staring up at the ceiling as Christian’s lips stilled on his neck.

“ _Fuck_ , Chad, what does it matter?” Christian bit down hard on Chad's neck and slid his hand down between them. "What you gonna do if I won't tell you?"

Weirdly enough, it kind of hurt that Christian wouldn’t tell. Maybe the number really was too great for Christian to even hazard a guess at. That was a little unsettling. But what could he really do Christian refused to tell him? It would be petty to just turn a cold shoulder to the man because he wanted to keep a secret. “Nothing,” he whispered, closing his eyes in a silent admission of defeat.

As soon as Chad stilled beneath him, Christian let go and roll away. Tossing the covers back he dropped his feet to the floor and sat up slowly. "Maybe five, okay? Not including you. Sex, I mean. Okay?" Standing he rubbed at his arm and reached down for a t-shirt. "I'm gonna make some coffee, you want some breakfast?"

“Wait.” Chad sat up quickly, reaching out to grab Christian’s arm. “What’s wrong? That’s- there’s nothing wrong with that. Why wouldn’t you just tell me?” His heart sank slightly when Christian had climbed out of bed and Chad hated that feeling he got whenever the man walked away.

Shaking off Chad's grip, Christian ran his hands through his hair. "Because, Chad. I'm guessing. I don't know. I get drunk before I fuck people. Remember how we just talked about that?" Christian paced over to the window and pulled the curtain all the way back so he could peer down at the beach. "I _think_ it's five or so. I've made out with more guys and it's ... It's just shitty, okay?"

Chad stared at his still hovering hand and swallowed thickly, dipping his head in a slow nod. “Okay,” he whispered and slid off the edge of the bed, staring at Christian for a moment before walking to his duffel back. “Okay. We don’t have to talk about it anymore.” He tugged a shirt on quickly and snagged his boxers and sweats. “I- sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. You want some eggs?”

Christian shook his head silently and his eyes followed a swell of water as it raced toward the beach. Folding his arms he swore softly as the cast scraped against his chest and dropped it to his side again. "Chad?"

Pausing with his sweats halfway pulled up, Chad looked over at the man and held his breath for just a moment. “Yeah?” He asked quietly, slowly straightening up.

"I'm sorry. I just - I'm not proud of it, okay?" Christian kept his gaze on the ocean, watching the waves crest and roll. "You. Being with you. That's the good thing, you know?"

“I know. I wasn’t asking to judge you,” Chad whispered, slowly crossing to the man and sliding his arm around his chest, laying his palm flat over the man’s heart. “I was only asking- I just wanted to know. So I could ask if I was the best.” Chad laughed weakly and pressed his lips to Christian’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like this. I love you; I don’t want you to suffer.”

"Chad, you are the best of everything." Christian smiled and slid his arm over Chad's.

Sighing softly, Chad smiled against Christian’s shoulder and gently swayed them from side to side. “Then it doesn’t matter, your past. All that matters is us now.” He kissed his way along the curve of Christian’s neck, free hand moving through the man’s hair to pull back and expose more skin for his lips to travel across.

Christian tried tor relax, let it all go for a little while. "And maybe breakfast," he muttered. "That might matter too."

Snorting a laugh, Chad shook his head softly and pressed his fingers along Christian’s jaw to turn the man’s head toward him and kiss beneath his ear. “And not at all my lips on you of course.”

Trying to hide his smile, Christian dropped his gaze. “Yeah, that matters.”

“Mmhmm,” Chad hummed softly and kissed along Christian’s jaw, steadily turning him until they were chest to chest once more. He smiled softly at the man before kissing him, slow and languid. He wanted to kiss Christian so deep and thorough he’d have no question in his mind about how Chad felt.

Sliding his good arm around Chad's waist, Christian lifted the man slightly and leaned him back over his arm. A kind of warmth spread through Christian's body and he found himself relaxing yet again. Maybe Chad was right, maybe Chad could be the _one thing_ that he clung to in the darkest times.

Moaning softly into the kiss, Chad let his hands slide over Christian’s skin. He wished somewhere in the back of his mind that he was still naked because he loved the feel of their bodies pressed together. His hand drifted down until he could smooth his palm over the curve of Christian’s ass and he squeezed roughly, dragging the man into him. He could be enough of a distraction to keep Christian from thinking about their conversation that had really just gotten out of hand.

Christian worked his hand under Chad’s sweats, slipping his fingers between the cool cotton of his boxers and the burn of his flesh. “I wanna take my cast off,” he murmured against Chad’s ear. “Gets in the way, my hand feels fine. Doctor said it was just a precaution.”

Christian’s hand slid further under Chad’s boxers; finger sliding along the crack of his ass. “Don’t you want both my hands on you? I wanna be able to hold you properly.” After a final nip at Chad’s neck, Christian leaned back and grinned. “Let’s do it.”

“Okay, okay, you convinced me.” Chad laughed softly, trailing into a moan when Christian’s hand once more slid across his ass. “Stop fucking teasing me so we can get it off.” Chad laughed a little louder and tugged the man’s hand out of his sweats. He quickly slid his hand along the cast and tugged at the velcro, pulling it off slowly just in case Christian’s wrist was sensitive.

He rubbed gently at the indented flesh; grinning at the slight color difference from the tan Christian had gotten out in the sun the day before. “You know what I’m looking forward to almost as much your hands on me?” Chad tugged his shirt off and leaned forward, kissing along Christian’s jaw. “Hearing you play again.” Really, there was nothing better than Christian and his guitar. Well, almost.

“Didn’t bring the guitar, remember?” A frown marred Christian’s face for a few moments as he thought about it; music. _Music_ had once been everything and then it wasn’t quite enough and now - he just wasn’t sure what would happen.

Shaking if off, Christian smiled and reached up to slide _both_ hands through Chad’s hair and down over his back. “Oh, that’s better,” he murmured.

“Well later,” Chad breathed, dipping his head in a slow nod. Christian was right, the lack of a cast was _much_ better. “The guitar thing, that is. Missed your hands.” Chad wet his lips and rocked forward, sliding back into the man’s touch. “God, your skin feels all soft, not as callused or something.” Chad laughed and leaned forward to gently kiss Christian once more.

"No guitar," Christian murmured against Chad's lips. His hand slid down so his fingers could slip under his boyfriend's sweats again; smooth over the tight ass. Nudging Chad back toward the bed, Christian breathed softly as his tongue wetted his bottom lip. "Let's start today over. Better."

“Yeah, that sounds like an awesome idea,” Chad murmured, falling back when his calves hit the mattress. He smiled up at Christian, spreading his arms toward the man. “Starting it over in bed is probably the best idea.”

"Yeah." Christian's voice was already deeper, thicker. He scaled Chad's body like he was reading the Braille of his body. Each smooth ripple of muscle, each jut of bone, the honey sweet taste of a dark nipple. Christian slid his hands up over Chad's rib until he could curl them over the man's cheeks. "New start," he said low and soft. "To the day."

“New start to us,” Chad hummed, knowing it was both what they needed. They just had to let go of the past and start fresh. It would be best. “I love you,” Chad murmured, spreading his legs so Christian could fall between. “Now come here and kiss me.” Chad smirked, wetting his lips in anticipation.

Laughing softly, Christian let himself sink down onto the firm body below him. For a few moments he just gazed down into Chad's eyes, thumbs moving over the slight stubble on his boyfriend's face. For the most fleeting instant Christian had that sensation they'd passed something; moved through and then his lips were on Chad's; his tongue sliding forward to skim along the smooth edge of the man's teeth.

Chad’s heart was racing for more reasons than just the touch, something about Christian’s expression, then the way he so thoroughly kissed him, like he wanted to tell Chad everything through touch alone. Chad moaned and parted his lips, letting Christian taste every inch of his mouth. His legs lifted to wrap around Christian’s hips and he rocked up into the man, moaning softly.

A dull throb of pleasure started low on Christian's body; the anticipation building like a slow breath in. He slid a little lower and then kissed his way back up, body rubbing against Chad's slowly, teasing another moan from the man's lips. There was no way he could resist the press up of Chad's hips, the hard heat of his cock - and Christian found himself rolling his own hips forward. Each slide of flesh together sparked off a little shiver of pleasure and Christian's heart sped up.

With each shaky inhale Chad felt the rush of pleasure sore through him and he groaned into the kiss, tightening his legs around Christian and arching up into him. The delicious slide of their bodies together was driving Chad crazy and he didn’t feel like he could possibly get enough. “Christian,” he gasped into the kiss, head rolling back into the pillow. He loved throwing himself into the pleasure of the man’s body, showing Christian just how much he loved this feeling.

Gasping for air, Christian slid his hand up Chad's leg and released himself to shift over and reach for some lube. Once his fingers were slick he dropped it and pressed up to Chad's side rolling the man toward him slowly. As soon as Chad way half lying across his body, Christian moaned and took the man's mouth again.

Chad kissed like he did everything; like he might never do it again. It made every part of Christian long for more, and need to give as much as he could. His fingers traced along the cleft of Chad's ass again, lingering until his boyfriends body started to twist down against him.

Their rough kissing was beginning to make Chad’s lips numb but he didn’t mind. Hell, anything Christian did to him he was completely okay with. Except his lack of patience that had him rocking back against Christian’s fingers before he’d even slid them inside. He knew he came across as needed, but it was for Christian, which had to make it okay.

“C’mon,” Chad growled into the kiss, catching Christian’s lower lip under his teeth and biting down with enough force to have the man hissing. His hand slid down to curl around Christian’s cock, stroking slowly up and twisting his wrist as he dragged down.

Christian's breath shot out of his body and his hand slapped down hard on Chad's ass. "Fuck," he groaned. Shifting his hand he pressed forward, nudging a finger between the cheeks of Chad's ass until it slid across the rippled flesh of his boyfriend's entrance. "You want that? _This_ what you're moanin' for?"

Each word from Christian had him pressing his finger gently forward. He held Chad tight, pinning his boyfriend's hips; taking away his control. "Who's in control here, Chad?' Christian's voice was fire-hot and his teeth dragged along Chad's jaw.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Chad’s eyes fluttered closed and his head dipped back to give Christian’s lips all the room they needed. “You,” he gasped softly, moaning low in his throat when Christian’s finger pressed deeper than slid all the way out. “Fuck. God. You are. You’re in control Christian.” And god it had never been more true, Chad would do absolutely anything Christian asked him to do.

“What if I just want you like this all day?" The thought of leaving Chad hanging made Christian's cock throb. He could tease Chad, bring his so close to the edge and then make him wait. "Could make you wait till tonight."

As he spoke, Christian slid two fingers deep inside his lover. The heat of Chad's body enveloped his fingers and Christian felt the heated flush of lust paint its way up his body. "Fuck I want you," he rasped against Chad's neck.

The two conflicting statements had Chad humming, his heart skipping a beat. He didn’t honestly think Christian could hold out until the night but he wasn’t stupid enough to call him on it. Because if there was anything Christian didn’t like, it was being challenged. Christian would do it just to prove to Chad he could.

So instead he tried just barely rocking back onto Christian’s fingers, moaning loudly when the man’s fingertips brushed his prostate. “ _God_ , Christian. Anything. Absolutely anything.”

"Maybe just this," Christian whispered. His fingers were digging hard into Chad's hip and he reached deep inside his lover's heat and swept his finger again and again over the bundle of nerves that made the man writhe. "Maybe just this over and over." The last word came out strangled as Chad bucked hard against Christian's grip.

“Christ, I- I’ll-” Chad sucked in quick ragged breaths, his pleasure building in such intense waves his body began to shudder. Each brush over that spot, one brief, the next harder, too soft and Chad was going to come without a single touch to his cock. “Christian, pl-please. Please. I want, want you. _Fuck_ Christian.” Chad clutched the man’s shoulders, his eyes squeezing shut and his lips pursing hard together as he fought against his orgasm.

Chad's face was beautiful. The most _beautiful_ fucking thing that Christian could even imagine. Letting out a low moan, Christian withdrew his fingers and rolled them quickly. He felt a warm puff of breath against his cheek as Chad landed hard on his back and their eyes met for the briefest of moments.

Fingers digging _hard_ into Chad's thigh, Christian lifted one muscular leg and dragged Chad closer so he could nudge the blunt tip of his cock against the ring of muscle. Chad's hips twisted against Christian's thighs and he moved Chad's leg up to his shoulder, turning to mouth at the inside of his knee.

This was one of Chad’s very favorite feelings, the moment when Christian just began to sink into him, claiming him, and Chad felt silly for thinking it but he felt _whole_. His hands fell out to the sides and he gripped the sheets, trying to gain some purchase to rock back against Christian’s cock. “God, so good. So good Christian,” Chad murmured thickly, the words falling out in a quick rush as he felt each inch with burn and stretch and the best type of pressure.

Christian's breath was ragged and hard as he tried to ease into his lover. Slow was almost painful but fast gave Chad exactly what he wanted and Christian wanted to put that off as long as possible. Catching his bottom lip between his teeth he panted against Chad's leg, fingers gripping tight. "Jesus," he whispered.

“Christian,” Chad groaned and clenched his muscles tight around the man. His nostrils flared with the sharp bursts of pleasure and once more Chad felt like he might actually come from this alone, just from Christian sinking into him tortuously slow. “Killin’ me,” he huffed, blinking his eyes open to stare at the stunning flush on Christian’s cheeks. At least it was a little worthwhile to know it was driving Christian just as insane as well.

Giving up was easy. Chad's eyes were wide and dark, his lashes dropping to his cheeks slowly and just when it looked like Chad was relaxing slightly Christian snapped his hips forward and sank balls deep in the burn of body heat. "Jesus _Christ_..."

“Fuck,” Chad whispered the word because all the air rushed out of him so swiftly his vision blurred. He opened his mouth, ready to urge Christian on for more, but the man’s hips shifted sending his cock pressing down against Chad’s prostate once more. His spine bowed off the bed, his muscles clenching around his lover once more. “ _Christian_ ,” he hissed, lifting a hand to try and touch any part of Christian, something to connect them further.

Resting his weight on Chad's thigh, his hips, Christian thrust hard forward, pulled back and thrust again. His hips fell into a gentle rhythm and he reached down to curl his hand around his lover's shaft. Stroking slowly, he let himself glide in and out of Chad's body, feeling every _single_ inch and glide and _fuck_ it was too good.

Chad was already beyond stimulated, way too close to the edge, so when Christian actually began thrusting into him, then stroking him, he nearly saw stars. His lips parted in a gasp and his head rolled back into the pillow. Where normally there would be a litany of words tumbling from his mouth - pleas and curses and Christian’s name - there was only soft gasps and low moans. He was moments from his release already and he forced his eyes open and bit down on his lip, looking up at Christian and praying the man could see what he couldn’t seem to get himself to say.

Pushing Chad's leg aside Christian fell down onto Chad's body and thrust his cock _hard_ into the smooth heat. "Chad... come for me... _Fuck-_ " His mouth sank down over Chad’s, tongue thrusting forward to slide along his lover’s.

Like most of Christian’s requests, Chad was quick to follow. Christian’s cock slammed into his prostate and Chad’s entire body was tensing. His orgasm tore through him, sending sparks over his skin, and his hands curved over his lover’s back until his nails dug into Christian’s back and scraped down. He tore back from the kiss because the need to breathe was too strong and he arched up into his lover with the next white hot burst.

Christian pounded into Chad's ass. He thrust through the clenching tightness and nearly collapsed on the other man. "God," he murmured against Chad's sweat slick neck.

Throwing himself back into a long arch, Christian snapped his hips forward one last time and came. His body jerked forward, cock throbbing as his release pulsed from him. Each throb of pleasure jolted him until he was lying on Chad's body barely able to breathe.

Chad’s arms were draped loosely around Christian’s back, his breath still shallow and too quick. He loved the weight of the man on top of him, he’d keep him there forever if he could. His fingers idly slid up to graze through Christian’s sweat damp hair and he kissed along the man’s cheeks until their lips finally met and gently rocked parted together. “God you’re amazing,” he whispered in between the brush of their lips.

All Christian could manage was a low hum as he moved his lips lazily against Chad’s. Finally, with a soft sigh he shifted back then fell to the side, an arm and a leg draped possessively over Chad’s body. He pressed his open mouth to Chad’s shoulder and bit gently as his body twitched a few more times. “Can’t ever be without,” he whispered as quietly as he could.

“Won’t be,” Chad whispered back and scooted closer to Christian, turning to brush his lips over Christian’s temple. “Can we stay here another night?” He asked quietly, thinking spending the good part of the day in bed sounded like a fabulous idea.

“Haven’t decided when I’m takin’ you back,” Christian murmured. When Chad hummed softly Christian added, “if ever.” He was still smiling when he drifted off to sleep again.

For a while Chad drifted between post orgasm bliss and sleep and something warm and pleasant curling in his chest, inspired by Christian’s words. It was finally starting to feel really right again, less like they had a huge hurtle to cross, more like they already were just fine. Sure they had things to deal with, and at some point they would have to face the world again, but Chad - snuggling closer into Christian’s body until there was hardly any space at all between them - thought they could really make it through whatever it might be.


End file.
